Here’s a little ditty I came up with about 12 or 13 years ago, back when I was a flaming King James Onlyist who was currently reading through Riplinger’s New Age Bible Versions for the second time straight. Now, for those of you who don’t know, that’s unusual for me. I’m a slow reader, but I found the steam to plow through almost 700 pages of mediocre writing and even worse scholarship twice in a row! Truly, New Age Bible Versions was, I repeat was, one of the landmark (no pun intended) experiences in my theological journey. Of course, my first wife had just left me at the time, so I guess that’s where I found all the free time.
There’s another product from that little “sabbatical” of sorts related to my zeal for the Old King James that I intend to share with you one day, but for now, I’ll introduce you to one of my masterpieces. The song, “The Old King James,” is written to the tune of a song featured in the movie which is my namesake, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. The original song is entitled, “Me ol’ Bamboo.” It was an entertaining song and (dare I say it? There are Baptists reading this!) dance routine featuring Dick Van Dyke, portraying inventor Caractacus Potts, who is hiding out from a hostile pursuer whom he’d just victimized at the fair with one of his lame-brain inventions.
This period of “divorce recovery” was early in my membership at my previous church, as well. At that period of my life, I was a subscriber to Peter Ruckman’s “Bible Believer’s Bulletin,” and an avid reader of his books, so when I found out that this new church I was considering went to camp every year on the week when the camp director welcomed Ruckman to preach, I signed up without any more ado! One summer, after I wrote this song, I even had the privilege of forming a quartet and performing this song in the presence of the man himself–The king of the King James Onlyists! The speed-readin’ German with the mouth that puts Luther to shame! The one, the ONLY (God is gracious!), Dr. Peter S. Ruckman!!! I didn’t have the heart to look behind me on the platform where he sat after we sang our song, but my good friend with the guitar said Ruckman was slapping his knee and cracking up.
After the good Doctor ended his sermon, and the chapel service concluded, a young lady representing one of the youth groups in attendance approached me for a copy of the song so that they may edify themselves in their faith in “The Bible God uses and Satan hates” back home. I hope they’re still enjoying it! And I hope my KJV-Onlyist readers enjoy it as well, and for those of you who are not of that persuasion, I think you may find it likewise serves as quite a parody, if you ‘ve got the stomach for it. So, may I now introduce to you . . .
The Old King James
by John D. Chitty, circa 1994-5
(sung to the tune of “Me ol’ Bamboo,” from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang)
A new king named James Stuart
came to England long ago,
He called a group together
to see how to run the show.
They said, “Let’s make the Bible
to be cherished far and wide!”
In seven years came the Old King James,
we call the Authorized!
Oh!
The Old King James, the Old King James,
You better-never-bother with the Old King James!
It’ll judge you when Christ comes to reign,
So you better-never-bother with the Old King James!
1611!
1611!
The Scribes and Pharisees may think
their versions fill the bill,
But nothing else will ever better
manifest his will!
The Bible’s quick and powerful,
and sharper than a sword,
To make a wayward sinner come
and call upon the Lord!
Oh!
The Old King James, the Old King James!
You better-never-bother with the Old King James!
It’ll judge you when Christ comes to reign,
So you better-never-bother with the Old King James!
1611!
1611!
In the word of a king
is the power to win souls!
Any less authority
is likely full of holes!
God said it! So believe it!
Now, you know that it is true:
“For God so loved the world,
he gave his ONLY BEGOTTEN Son to die for you!”
Oh!
The Old King James! The Old King James!
You better-never-bother with the Old King James!
It’ll judge you when Christ comes to reign!
So you better-never-bother with the Old King James!
1611!
1611!
The Reformation Bible
keeps sound doctrine as it is!
It don’t delete the message
like the Catholic Bible did!
The Authorized King James Bible
is what it claims to be:
The Word that God inspired,
translated and gave to me!
Oh!
The Old King James! The Old King James!
You better-never-bother with the Old King James!
It’ll judge you when Christ comes to reign,
So you better-never-bother with the Old King James!
The Misadventures of Captain Headknowledge 
Captain
I knew I knew something about you, now I know, hmmmmm, how is it I have this headknowledge then?
I have read her book several times too. She does scare the kabeejeebees out of me though!
My hopes were dashed when a friend of mine who I served with on the Advisory Council for Dr. B J Wilhite and the National Prayer Embassy in Washington D.C. during the decade of the nineties and some of the eighties before said King James had a bias.
Dr. David Barton, Wallbuilders, was speaking there in your area several months ago at Dr. B J’s church, University Park Church, now Capstone Church, http://www.thecapstone.org/ to be located at their new facilities soon near Benbrook, and he made this observation, that the Geneva Bible was a better Bible of it’s day because all the kings and potentates of the day were more inclined to read King James’ publication because there wasn’t included understanding commentary to help the reader understand that there is a difference between ruling as a representation form of government as is prescribed in Moses’ works and the King/Kingdom form in Samuel’s day.
Of course kings are opposed to representation forms of government just consider the Magna Carte’.
Now I am a “part onlyist”, seeing my middle name is JAMES! I have seventeen different Bibles I read from now because I have them all downloaded on this laptop computer and it’s far faster and easier to refer to them just by navigating my computer.
She does make a cast for the brilliance of Satan and the conspiracy, don’t you think? IT FASCINATED ME TOO, her theory and the case for King James only. There are a lot more words in that manuscript!
How anyone has the time to develop such a book as hers is just fast past me.
Have you ever read the Peshitta?
John,
It’s pretty bad when a song your wrote that upheld your former beliefs is now a parody of them! I feel your pain, though.
The song is really a “documentation” of just how far out a lot of KJV-Onlyism really is.
Glad you came to your senses.
Blessings in Christ,
Bob
Capstone Church, 1700 Rogers Road. About 5 years ago, I printed the bulletins for University Park Church. The small print shop I used to work for had them as a customer. Once I attended a stage performance of “It’s A Wonderful Life” at Christmas there. But that was before UPC relocated.
I repented of finding anything Riplinger has to say fascinating. It’s a totally misguided mindset that doesn’t deserve the wasted brain cells, except to refute it. Be sure to read the Wikipedia (or is it Theopedia?) article I link to at the beginning of the post from the word “King James Onlyist.” You’ll notice that they compare all the logical fallacies that go into the kind of arguments used for the idea that the King James Version and the Byzantine Text/Textus Receptus are inherently superior to the state of modern biblical textual scholarship. Their mindset is compared to holocaust deniers and tax protestors. I don’t care how well someone can throw together biblical sounding ideas that can capture the imagination of easily misguided readers, to be persuaded of that kind of stuff is to become subject to the mind control of conspiratorial extremists. No one benefits from such stuff. The minds and their worlds shrink.
Bob,
If you find it documentation, feel free to offer it as such as you see fit!
So, ever read Ruckman? Unfortunately, after I came to my senses, I had a “fit of conviction” and threw away all my Ruckman books! I sure wish I had them back nowadays for the use of opposition research. But it hurt too much to look at them at the time. But time has healed those wounds, and now I want them back!
John
yes, an evil spell, was bewitched, geesh, golly, I am a sucker, aren’t I? I don’t do well at carnivals either.
Hey, where were you when I needed a guiding light to guide me away from it?
Main Entry: fas·ci·nate
Pronunciation: ‘fa-s&-“nAt
Function: verb
Inflected Form(s): fas·ci·nat·ed; fas·ci·nat·ing /’fas-“nA-ti[ng], ‘fa-s&-“nA-/
Etymology: Latin fascinatus, past participle of fascinare, from fascinum evil spell
transitive verb
1 obsolete : BEWITCH
2 a : to transfix and hold spellbound by an irresistible power b : to command the interest of : ALLURE intransitive verb : to be irresistibly attractive synonym see ATTRACT
If it was during the seventies and early eighties that you were spellbound and bewitched by King James Onlyism, I was busy playing with my Star Wars action figures and Dungeons and Dragons.
Thanks for the definition!
I saw Ruckman last night on I think the Church Channel or something like it… NRB or something… anyway… he was drawing on a big board with chalk… quite good…does he always draw when he teaches…?
I was fascinated…with his drawing, though it was hard to make sense of anything he was saying.
Oh, yeah. That’s his specialty. He calls it a “Chalk Talk.”
At camp after he gave us his chalk talk, they would have a “sword drill,” and whoever stood up first after finding the verse, his church got to keep the picture.
Decades ago, I think Ruckman said he used to draw some comics in a local newspaper somewhere before he made his profession of faith. He’s also a drummer, I think. I know he played in some kind of band back in the day, he’s a big hockey fan AND player at his age (you know, King Preacher’s gotta be a tough guy), says he can read up to four books a day (that’s why I called him a speed reader), and claims to hold fourteen EARNED degrees, because, again, King Preacher’s gotta be a smart guy, too.
Yet with all that education, he was unable to communicate clearly enough for you to understand what he was talking about?
Chalk may be his specialty… but certainly not homiletics.
oh, Gage, just inquiring about you in one of John’s other posts.
How are you doing?
concerned native American
p.s.
can you hurry up already with ptl?
Gage,
You got that right, Brother!
I’m with the concerned native American. We’re really looking forward to gaining renewed online access to a real Bible teacher like your dad!
Any hints on a final ETA?
Hey Mike… doing fine..
PTL should be up and running in a week or so… Dad has some of his material up now in pdf or mp3 form… and the blog will be a couple of weeks. Looking forward to it.
Gage
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